I HAVE FELT ASLEEP SINCE…

ZC NATION!

Another Monday spent with you.

🤍

What a blessing!

What an honour.

What prestige.

I hope you’re all well.

Beyond well actually.

I can’t lie to you my days have been up & DOWN.

When I have my low days I have seriously low days.

For instance yesterday I cried all morning.

For about 4 hours.

Listening to Norah Jones radio from my Alexa echo dot.

Blinds shut.

Writing.

Crying.

Feeling.

Healing.

Processing.

Being honest with myself about my emotions.

I’ve not done this in a while.

A lot of the time I avoid crying not bc I am afraid to but bc I hate the headache that comes after it.

Hahahha.

But yesterday I let it ride.

And I’m glad I did.

Realizations

What did I come up with as the reason for this 4 hour cry session you might ask?

Well guys…

There are some things going on in my personal life that I’m simply not able to mention at this time that are quite emotionally outstanding.

So there’s that.

& it certainly plays a huge role in my bouts of sadness.

So this is a reminder to my ZC NATION family that each of us are fighting a battle we know nothing about.

Therefore kindness is always the answer.

But I know ZC knows this!

Hahaha.

This is the most kind & supportive group I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing.

And I’m so grateful for you.

Ok ok…

Soppy Zeta is really out to play.

Lol.

When it comes to what I CAN share with you in this moment, I will do just that.

Turns out…

I haven’t really dealt with how I feel about having bad blood with my ex.

I literally do not have bad blood with ANYONE.

Bc all it does is eat you up!

I do not wish ill of him or hate him.

& I do not care to be back with him.

But I am bothered by the way the cookie crumbled.

I do not regret speaking my truth bc that in itself has brought me so much freedom.

But some days I feel uncomfortable having this bad blood with him.

I also realized I hadn’t fully processed the pain of it all.

So yeah…

I think the 4 hours of crying was all the crying I never got to do or admit to wanting to do after the break up happened.

What does the good book say?

Psalm 30:5

Realizations... (2)

I came to this deep realization that I don’t love influencing.

LMAO!

DO NOT GET ME WRONG.

I am so unbelievably blessed to make the money I make influencing for brands.

& I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

But it’s not something that excites me.

Since leaving Love Island and gaining this new fan base I have been thrust into a life of influencer whether I wanted it or not.

& it gives me anxiety.

Sometimes.

I didn’t notice where it was stemming from until…

YESTERDAY!

Yes yesterday during my crying session.

I want to do what I love…

Host/Act/Travel/Make others feel alive.

& let whatever I post come from sharing those very natural moments with the world.

I think that’s why my YT vids have been quite fun for me lately bc you’re just seeing what it is.

It’s not strategic content creation.

I am just…

Not with the shits guys.

Idk if it shows.

Lol.

But I’m spilling out my deep sentiments here.

The safest place I know where to.

🤍

Since leaving LI my life has been very centered around the internet & public perception.

Even when I don’t want to be online it feels like I have to be.

Like I have to post bc if I don’t I’ll lose followers, or fall off.

Then I’ll be compared.

I find myself feeling very inferior to other influencers.

They seem to love posting 24/7!

& I…

I don’t.

But I feel pressure to “keep up!”

I’ve felt "asleep" since the island 🏝️

When I say I’ve felt asleep since the Island, I guess I mean that…

I’ve been going with the motions.

It’s all happened so quickly that I’ve not had time to stop & think about how I REALLY feel.

How I feel about the new relationships in my life.

Who I am in this new space.

& if I like who I am in this new space.

It's all been so dream like.

Which is beautiful.

But sometimes in a dream like state...

You forget to wake up.

I’ve felt so worldly since leaving the island.

Focused on all the outwardly things that define success but not the internal.

And that is where I thrive.

Internally.

I think that’s where we all thrive.

Right?

Unless you’re living solely inspired by ego.

It seems as though I’ve gained a lot of the worldly perspective of success.

But internally I am lacking.

And it makes sense.

It does.

Sometimes life happens so fast & one day you wake up & you’re like wait a minute..

How am I feeling about all of this?

So what to do about this?

I’ve decided to recenter, re focus, & realign myself.

Doing only that which fills my soul.

It’s been an experience & a TIME dealing with all things LI, dealing with my first public break up, adjusting to this new mega following & becoming accustomed to “influencing” & what it feels like to have your every move be watched & judged by 100’s of thousands of people every day.

But now it’s time to do the things that make me feel alive again.

The things that make me live this life consciously.

And in the present moment.

Like spending time reading & enhancing my knowledge.

Focusing on the practice of relinquishing ego.

Connecting with souls that believe in the bigger picture.

The souls I can have deep conversations with about what really matters.

The souls I can make change with.

Romans 12:2

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

One thing I will say is…

I’m so ALIVE here on ZC!

The release I feel from having even said all of this is powerful.

You have no idea what you guys do for me & my soul.

You mean the world to me!

& I will have rewards for each & every one of you in due time.

I love you all so much.

See you next week?

😉

Confidentially,

Baby Z