THE END OF AN ERA

Podcast Link:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=PzycJ2XLJsc&t=10s

Goodness.

ZC NATION.

This blog will hit different from the rest.

Especially because I don’t think any of you were expecting THIS.

To be fully honest with you the strangest part of this all is that my heart hurts more for Zimmy supporters than for myself.

😳

I don’t know what that says.

But I think it’s because by the time you’re all reading this or hearing of this… I will have had ample time to process it all & come to a deep point of closure.

Where as for you…

This is the beginning.

I really want to say that I’m sry to everyone this will hurt.

Or anyone who feels robbed of that initial feeling we all felt when Zimmy became a thing.

That feeling that the relationship would manifest into something greater.

Like marriage… or kids.

I really am sry.

Bc it hurts me too.

Trust me it does.

But at the end of the day he was not capable of loving me the way I needed to be loved.

Therefore I’m grateful for this ending sooner rather than later.

Because…

I want the rock.

💍

I want the babies.

👶🏽

I’m in NO RUSH for them.

But I take the time I spend with any significant other very seriously especially at this stage in my life.

Bc time is not renewable.

& I’ve got to stand on my own standards.

A sincere THANK YOU!

I also want to say before I get deeper into all of this that I am SO grateful for how many of you fought for this relationship with positivity & encouragement the whole time.

I’m certain that with the amount of positive energy you sent our way, had he been the right person for me we would’ve made it through INDEFINITELY!

☺️

I am really certain about that.

Bc maybe it was the public pressure for him but it wasn’t for me.

I was fine with it.

Bc I knew I didn't HAVE to answer to anybody.

The only reason it was rough at times was bc I was with someone who was having a difficult time with it.

& I was taking on that pressure.

_

For me…

I really loved when I’d tell ppl who asked me how LI went that “It went AMAZING, I won” & they’d say “Omg congrats… Are you still with the guy?”

It felt good to say yes.

It was such a unique way to meet someone.

& I really wanted to believe in our story.

I think we all did.

I obviously took the possibility of finding my person on that show seriously.

Something I know he even found me strange for.

For believing so much in a process like LI!

We really went into the process with different states of mind.

He went in with the mindset that he’d not meet anyone of true substance there.

That he’d be there for 2 weeks tops & be out.

It makes sense though.

Especially when I look back to the week I asked him if he could picture us outside of the villa & he freaked out.

There were signs he was giving me that were saying he knew he couldn’t love me the way I needed to be loved on the outside bc he hadn’t planned for it to go as far as it did.

Where as me on the other hand…

I went into LI with the energy that God works in mysterious ways.

& that maybe I wouldn’t see hubby material in the guys on the show INITIALLY but that if a connection was to develop it would be one I was willing to nurture & take a chance on.

That was exactly what happened.

Bc I must admit, as I mentioned in the podcast…

Although I was very into him (which I believe showed) I had never pictured someone like him being my husband.

😬

I’ve dreamt of my husband many times & the man I was dreaming of was not what I was seeing in him.

However… 🗣

I’m wise enough to know that your blessings may not always look the way you may have envisioned them to look.

So I knew I had to be open.

Open to the fact that maybe we could grow together bc of the adorable connection we had built on the island.

Because of this & the advise I have always been given by my spiritual father (pastor), my mum & other elders, I decided to hang in there when the tides got rough or the foundation seemed shakey within the relationship.

I felt as though I couldn’t say I was ready for marriage & then throw in the towel at the earliest inconvenience within the relationship.

So with the red flags I saw…

🚩

I still chose to hold on a little while.

6 months was the time I was willing to give it.

I thought maybe he’s never been loved right & for that his skepticism is manifesting in strange ways.

So instead of ridiculing him for that, I said…

Z try something.

Try to nurture & love him the way you would a husband.

Unfortunately…

People can only meet you as far as they’ve met themselves.

He was never going to be ready for a relationship.

Let alone a public one.

& for this reason I’m reminded of the infamous quote by Mr. Bob Marley…

“The biggest coward is a man who awakens a woman's love without the intention of loving her” -Bob Marley

When did I begin to see signs?

Early.

On the island really.

But when they’re that early you don’t want to nurture, give into, or manifest negativity.

You’ve got to stay positive & manifest the best.

& to be fair the signs seemed too minimal to make a huge deal out of.

The earliest sign I saw was when I would give him a compliment & he would struggle to accept it.

It’s like he felt that I was being “extra” or gassing him for my own manipulative reason.

I remember him saying once that he doesn’t see himself the way in which I talk about him.

That was when I thought hmm…

🤔

There is some healing that needs to take place in this boys life.

But I’m not going to let that stop me from continuing to gas him, compliment him & speak positivity over him.

Unfortunately…

People can only love you as deeply as they love themselves.

We can only receive as much love as we feel we deserve.

The ability to accept a compliment without rejecting it, minimizing it, perceiving it as manipulation, or devaluing the person giving it, is a reflection of our level of self-love.

& it is clear in my opinion that his self-love was lacking.

Therefore he felt unworthy of love, would devalue me because of it & certainly wasn’t capable of giving love back to me at ANY real capacity.

The next sign I saw that manifested in really ugly ways during the course of our relationship began happening on the island.

It started with that tweet.

That damming yet truthful tweet 😌

You know that tweet I mentioned in the podcast.

The…

Tweet.

Yeah you all know the one.

After that I made mental note that this would most likely be something that would only magnify later on.

It felt as though he didn’t like the fact that he was being considered the “lucky” one to be with me.

& I can promise you he began resenting me for it.

I began feeling very uncomfortable whenever someone gave me a compliment in front of him.

Then during the course of our relationship he would say things like…

“You’re use to being treated a certain way but you’ve met your match with me”

Anytime he would say this I would have such a tummy turning feeling.

Bc I felt like he wanted to mistreat me in certain ways (by withholding communication) just to stop me from feeling like I was “so special” the way other islanders, men in my past or some of the public made me feel.

It was as if he was saying…

“You get enough of that from everyone else”

I saw this grow much more tremendously after he left London.

The first week or 2 we were vibing.

FaceTiming & all.

Then week 3 it’s like he was back to letting the insecurities control him.

He wouldn’t respond to my messages for 3 days at a time sometimes.

& when he would finally respond he’d say something very impersonal & seemingly passive.

Was the lack of content because of him?

Yes.

He was fine with it but I always had to bring it up & suggest it.

I always had to address fans & press for content to be released on time etc

It’s hard to always have to maintain that position with someone who seemingly just.doesn’t.care.

He cared to put out his own content.

But I couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t feel sympathy for the fans who voted us into this amazing space & loved watching our story unfold.

I mean what a seemingly beautiful love story right?

I’m with the fans.

I thought…

If this continues the same way it did in the Villa, I’m going to continue growing with this person till marriage, babies.

I mean why not?

It was a fairytale on there.

But you can’t fully trust ones actions in the villa on TV!

So you wait to see how it goes in the real world.

& it’s unfortunate that it turns out I preferred villa him than reality him.

I’ve tried to figure his actions out several times.

But the reality is…

“You will never figure it out bc it’s not a YOU issue.”

(S/o Cocoa Kinsey)

Did we have good moments?

Yes.

Of course.

That vibe the world saw between us was real when it was happening.

I wouldn’t have stayed in it this long if not.

It’s just that the other vibes could not be ignored.

At times as I write this or planned to film the podcast I met with feelings of deep guilt.

I felt that I maybe should just put out a statement & move on not letting the public know the contents of what went on.

But then it just felt disloyal to everyone else.

Although the good times were there.

I can’t say there were too many more outside of those moments.

Here & there of course but nothing to write home about ✍🏾

My pastor & my mum both advised me to give things time & be patient with him.

& I believed in that myself.

I feel that way too many marriages & relationships fail bc we’re too quick to judge every flaw about one another.

So I can fully say I gave him a chance but now I have to move on.

I have to create space for my true husband to come through.

& for his true partner to come through too.

Time waits for no man.

Furthermore…

I really need someone who brings my feminine energy out.

Who makes me feel safe enough to do so.

I felt quite masculine in the relationship.

Bc certain needs weren’t being met I felt I had to overcompensate that side of me.

The fact that I didn’t have someone who stepped up to the plate to suggest content for fans or ask to take me out on a date, or walk me to my car at 2am, I feel…

Robbed me a lot of the feminine energy I would’ve loved to have in the relationship.

When a woman feels protected & cared for she becomes very submissive & kitten like.

I do at least.

I’ve been in past relationships that made me feel submissive & feminine.

I wasn’t given the space to be that in this relationship.

& I can’t say from his actions that he was ready for that or to give a woman that.

I think he’s got a lot he needs to do for himself before he can do that for a significant other.

& I think instead of letting me be that partner to help him he’d prefer the help of more familiar people than me.

Ie. His homies (as he puts it) ie. His roommate.

Those are the relationships he’s more focused on nurturing.

I felt like a true outsider when it came to him, his homies & his sister.

& sure you can blame it on him knowing them longer than me.

But in my experience most people become one with their partner if they plan on building a solid foundation & sustaining something real.

Something of substance.

Even biblically (as I mentioned in my latest blog regarding Harry & Meghan) in marriage it says the man will leave his family & become one with his wife.

That wasn’t the vibration he carried with me.

His priorities were his work, his homies & his sister.

I would see him texting his sister & feel a deep sense of being an outsider.

There is so much more to uncover regarding how I felt during the duration of the relationship but it will continue to come out for those of you who are interested in later blogs.

What exactly was I talking about when I said on the podcast that…

“The depths of this conversation & other uncomfortable truths regarding the impact her behaviour had on the relationship will be discussed more privately”

What I meant by this that I didn’t feel comfortable revealing on the podcast was that Naomi (his sister) felt like a massive block in Timmy & I’s relationship.

At my first meeting with her it felt she was maybe trying to help due to what Timmy may have wanted.

But after her arrival in London the day after Timmy & I landed I felt very weary of her motives.

For me personally if my adult brother was flying to another country to meet his girlfriends family, I wouldn’t choose to land the day after.

I would choose to let him have a solid 3 days there before I inserted myself.

& if I DID choose to land on the same date or even fly out with them it would be bc I had plans of making it a family affair.

My biggest issue with his sister is that she clearly had motive for coming on the same week & intentionally choosing not to meet my family.

In the Villa on family day she showed to the public just how excited she was to come meet my family & then came to London & did the exact opposite.

WHY?

It was when I began losing trust in Timmy & feeling like things were orchestrated between the two of them from the start regarding our whole relationship.

The reason I say she had an impact on Timmy & I’s relationship is because ANYTIME Timmy & I were alone…

ALL was good!

Well…

All FELT good.

We were really vibing.

But then as soon as we were vibing he would need to go spend time with her & stay the night with her instead.

& the mere fact that she did not have conversation with me felt like she was intentionally ruining that special time I was meant to be having with him.

I still cannot make sense of it.

Whether Timmy asked her to come to London with him for protection or a way out of having to stay with me the whole 7 days or what?

I will never know!

I just know it didn’t feel good & my spirit was uneasy.

There was always an outside force coming in between our relationship!

I would be with my Timmy from the villa when we were together but as soon as he would leave me the next day he’d be the Timmy I was disconnected from.

It was very strange & interesting to navigate those split energies.

I was always uncomfortably trying to piece together what was going on behind the scenes.

It wasn’t a good feeling.

This alongside the meeting I had with Naomi the week Timmy was in New York were reasons to believe that the whole thing for her was just a calculated plan that she was the head of regarding Timmys time on Love Island.

I’m not sure why an older sister should interfere with the love life of her younger brother in the first place.

Help him, yes.

But interfere?

No.

So as much as he says he really cares about me & I believe he did in some ways…

His actions still said otherwise.

The people who he gave his attention to over me said otherwise.

& ultimately I could never trust his intentions or motives.

He just kept wanting me to give him the benefit of the doubt time after time.

How long can I give you the benefit of the doubt if my needs continue NOT be met & doubts continue to plague my mind?

I was never going to ask him or pressure him into meeting my needs.

When you force yourself on people, you disrespect all the values that you bring to the table.

I don’t believe he was capable of giving me what I needed to thrive.

& at the very end of the day…

His best wasn’t something I needed.

So I’ve chosen to let go gracefully.

The Lord says…

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest”

Matthew 11:28

May I find rest after this.

& may he find rest from having to give energy to the public regarding Zimmy.

More to come in Part 2 regarding exactly what was said at the meeting with Naomi!

& what my intuition & others feel was being hidden from me in the relationship leaving no room for a lasting relationship.

See you soon guys.

Because…

“We ride together, we die together… ZC NATION for life”

Confidentially,

Baby Z